Running from Office: Presidential Loser Better Off

By JASON WALKER, Columnist

Two men enter, one man leaves. The presidential race might not be like Thunderdome, but it should be.

Sure it’s the biggest job in the world, but there should be more at stake. The loser should have to ride off into the sunset with nothing but the horse he rode in on.

America has spurned your advances for a more favorable suitor. If you propose to someone, you don’t keep dating for years after getting shot down. You may try to continue on, but that relationship is a wrap. Take your jewelry and hit the nearest pawn shop, loser.

There should be something tangible on the line in a presidential race, not just pride and dignity. Let’s face it, those two went bye-bye when you decided to get into politics.

How many jobs basically pay you to interview for a better job? McCain has run twice. How much time not serving on the Senate has he accumulated over the years? OK, he took a serious beat down in ’Nam so we owe him one.

What about Obama? He gets to use a position he’s barely spent time in as a stepping stone toward a higher office. Can you imagine a doctor peeking over his surgical mask as a patient is going under and saying, “You’ve got nothing to worry about sport, I served six whole months of my residency before obtaining my license last week, everything’s cool?”

If you’re going to spend more than a year running for president you should have to give up your job. You should also have to have served a certain amount of time before even getting to do that. You can’t get a new job and go on a paid vacation for two weeks shortly after. Usually you have to put in a good six months before earning some PTO. Can you imagine telling your employer, “I’ll be back if this other thing I got going on doesn’t work out, and by the way, keep the checks comin’?” Nope. You have to sneak out early, call out sick, use up some of your vacation time, or just quit.

It’s not like there aren’t any other options for these guys if they lose. They’ve both already got book-deal money in their pockets and they can always run for their old jobs again. If you weren’t a popular dude you wouldn’t have won the nomination. You were almost president; surely, you can beat out some Johnny-come-lately for your old gig. Better yet, join the private sector and make some hard-core cash.

Kerry should have sold out or gone back to the Senate for free. His wife has enough bank to support their family, he doesn’t need our money. If you do decide to keep your job you better show up and vote for every issue that comes up. None of that voting “present” crap. Does it matter anyway? You’ve already tried for the big job, you might as well vote the way you feel. You’ve probably peaked politically. There’s no “You’ll get ‘em next time kid.” Besides, getting booted as a senator is almost as hard as losing a job as a union rep. Unless you retire or get whacked, you’re probably not going anywhere.

Gore bounced and found a lucrative career guilting America into giving him money. Then, just to rub it in our faces, he copped an Oscar and a Nobel Peace Prize for his soporific voice-over work. He maniacally laughs himself to sleep on a bed of our money every night and probably “goes green” by burning cash for fuel. He’s getting his payback for getting screwed out of the presidency and pimping the country he once so proudly served. We’ve created a monster.

That movie trailer guy just died, Obama could nab that gig. Or, he could clean up on the lecture circuit. How many more times can you listen to Cosby or Vitale ramble on at a graduation? Maya Angelou should be about ready to hang ’em up. Might as well keep giving those speeches and make your pockets fat while you’re at it.

Even Dole got paid endorsing VIAGRA and Pepsi. Think of the numerous medical endorsements McCain could have waiting for him. There are probably no less than five pharmaceutical companies that would get fat government contracts if he’s elected, just to keep him alive for the duration of his term. If he loses, he could get some of that legal drug money.

Why not open a few businesses? Who wouldn’t shop at Honest McCain’s Lincoln/Mercury/Ford dealerships where they’re not afraid to shake up prices? Or, Crazy Barak’s electronics emporium where “change” is all you’ll need to walk out with the HDTV of your dreams.

Now that I think about it, the future is so bright for either one of these guys, who needs that lousy, underpaid government job?