McMaverick Reaches New Level of Desperation

By EUGENE MULERO, Correspondent

I’m not funny. It took me about 13 years to accept that fact. Some people may laugh at a few of my comments, but I’m not one of those guys capable of commanding a room during a stand-up routine – I know, ’cause I’ve tried (it was awful).

I hate not being funny, because I love comedy. I always have. I grew up worshipping Rodney Dangerfield and would stay up late to watch HBO comedy specials, especially of George Carlin.

I remember one night, coming home from a PTA meeting with my mother when I was in fifth grade, I turned to her and said, I’m hosting Saturday Night Live one day.

She laughed, looked at me, and remarked, “I don’t think so.”

I resented that reaction because SNL was my second education. I grew up when Wayne’s World was still a new skit, Dennis Miller owned the Weekend Update desk and Dana Carvey transformed into President George H.W. Bush.

Now fast-forward to the spring of 2000: I was a senior in college and wrote an opinion column for The Setonian, the college newspaper. I was following the presidential race, and concluded in a brief 300-word piece that none of the presidential candidates impressed me. If I recall correctly, I described W. as “daddy’s boy,” Al Gore as the “robo-candidate,” Ralph Nader as “the old guy off his meds,” and finally John McCain.

For McCain I wrote: “He has such a bad temper, he reminds me of one of those guys who sells steak knives late-night on QVC and shouts at the cameras urging viewers to buy.”

Fast-forward again, to last weekend.

As a watched the SNL intro, McMaverick stood next to Tina Fey as Gov. Sarah Palin, in an infomercial skit. Then at one point, he turned to the camera with a set of steak knives by his side, “This is to cut the pork-spending…,” he said.

At that point I knew it was over for the Maverick. There was no way of winning, defeating Obama. When a campaign reaches the point that it dramatizes a lame joke found in a college op/ed, it’s time to call it a night.

I mean, I swear I just slapped that column together in a few minutes eight years ago, without really giving it much thought.

And here, at the eleventh-hour, the smartest guys in politics for the Republicans (ie, Steve Schmidt & Co.) let their man walk around the set of the most liberal forum in politics. And I wonder, for whom was the appearance appealing? Obama’s people would not change their minds just because Maverick was on their ‘fav’ TV show. And SNL does nothing for the GOP faithful.

Yes, I’ve heard the saying by the old American philosopher Yogi Berra, “it ain’t over, ’til it’s over.” But it’s over!

SNL is not the kingmaker. The show is where candidates go to launch their careers as pundits. Just ask Hillary and Giuliani. Maverick, who has hosted the show, should’ve known better.

Speaking of which, I just moved to a new apartment and need a set of steak knives.

Eugene Mulero may be reached at eugene.mulero@gmail.com.

How ’Bout a Juicy McMac?; Celebs, Ads Don’t Sway Voters

By JASON WALKER, Columnist

What have we become when a vice presidential nominee has to make an appearance on Saturday Night Live two weeks before an election and a presidential candidate has to do a makeup appearance for getting on David Letterman’s bad side?

Why does David Letterman’s or any celebrity’s opinion matter to us? He can’t even beat out Leno, but scathing remarks after being stood up by a candidate causes a dip in the polls?

Celebrities don’t care about us. There are a few who are genuinely nice and care about mankind, blah, blah, blah. But most have had to step on the faces of rivals to get where they are and the most important thing to them is staying on top.

Have you ever stopped to think that the endorsing celebrity could have concerns about taxes, education or any number of issues in direct opposition to your own?

Let’s not forget that it’s also an issue of ego as well. Liberal celebrities have had it handed to them by the Bush administration for the last eight years. Their egos have been bruised because no matter how hard they’ve campaigned for the opposition or pointed out his obvious flaws, Ol’ Dubyah has kept right on truckin’. These self-important asses want to feel like they can actually have an effect on the direction of the country as much as, if not more than, they actually care about the well-being of the country.

As I watched Palin bobbing her head to the beat I wondered if Gerald Ford ever had to yuck it up with a few talking heads on some cheesy network morning show. I don’t recall Big Bush dropping by SNL and surprising Dana Carvey.

Just as I began to feel queasy over the thought that an appearance on late-night television could be a deciding factor in an election I realized something … that really hasn’t happened yet. Despite all the pulling and prodding by the media we always seem to elect whoever we want. Advertisements and appearances just serve as supplements to keep us interested until Election Day. I can’t think of a time in history when we’ve let outside opinions change our minds about candidates. Whoever you wanted to vote for when the nominations were accepted is probably the same person you want to vote for now.

Which makes me wonder, does any amount of campaigning ever change a person’s mind? We’re only interested in the evidence that supports the decision we’ve already made. We form our opinions based on the sum of our experience and don’t usually change our minds no matter how compelling the argument. So for now I have found some peace by convincing myself that people aren’t directed by the media when they cast their ballots.

So why was Palin on SNL this week?

I prefer Coke over Pepsi. The difference between the two is negligible, but I’m always choosing Coke. In my mind no amount of advertising is ever going to change that. That’s the point. Whenever I made my cola decision advertising played a big part in it. Now that I’ve picked my side it’s up to them to remind me of what a great choice I made. I want to back a winner and be affirmed that I’m a winner for making that choice as much as possible. I even go as far as to root for Coke to have better commercials and higher sales.

Of course no one is going to decide who to vote for because of a boat, but somewhere someone felt good about seeing it and said to themselves, “I haven’t seen any Obama sailboats out today.” The candidates need to keep reminding their supporters that they’ve made a good decision.

It’s our nature. We want our candidates to be superhuman. We want them to be the most amusing when telling jokes, the most eloquent when debating and the most intelligent when discussing policies. They do whatever they can to sustain that image. Whether it is charming late-night appearances, well-scripted commercials or kissing babies in minimalls. We will always love them for doing it.

Politicians know something that we don’t. In the end they are all just people like you and I. That’s why Palin can laugh off Tina Fey’s impression of her and kick it with Lorne backstage at 30 Rock. That’s how Obama and McCain can have a heated debate one night and act like a couple of open-micers the next. Most of us have this thought stuck in our heads that Democrats and Republicans are these two competing factions in an all or nothing battle for supremacy.

In reality, they’re no more different from each other then McDonald’s is from Burger King. Either way you’re still going to go get that delicious, fatty garbage in you. All elected officials have the same goals ― try to accomplish something positive and not get booted before you’re ready to go. They respect and relate to each other the same way employees at Mickey D’s relate to their contemporaries at BK.

They know we are as influenced by the image created around a candidate as we are by their actual accomplishments. Obama’s the smart, young, contemplative diplomat we need to unite the country and turn things around. McCain is the strong-willed, experienced, maverick that will buck the system and lead us to a better tomorrow. Big Mac, Whopper.

Jason Walker may be reached at Jason_R_Walker@comcast.net.